It’s amazing how in a split second, someone can only exist in your memories…
Today is Friday August 12th, 2016. Im on my lunch break and Im staring off into the distance between writing these sentences. It has been 1 week since my dad passed away unexpectedly. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we lost my elderly Uncle Bob. In one month my world has been turned upside down. There were five of us living in our house and now there are three; my grandma, my mom, and myself. I can’t begin to tell you how our lives have been changed.
The house we live in belongs to my grandmother. She has owned this house for longer than I have been around. Many of my memories from my childhood took place in this house. It use to be so lively. So many people would come over for birthdays and holidays and over the years this has slowed down. It has been years since I have been alone in this house and today I found it to be too hard to bare.
It used to be that my dad and my uncle would always be there. If my Uncle had an appointment more than likely my dad was there and vice versa. So to be left alone in the big house with all those years worth of memories. I felt like I was surrounded by ghosts. Ghosts of my loved ones from memories of happier times.
May of last year I decided to end my marriage. After 10 years together, 6 of them married. I couldn’t deal with the hurt I was going through. I moved back in with my family and I have been there ever since. My plan was to try and get my life going again. It has been one of the hardest years of my life, but at least I had my family. If ever the pain of change was too much my dad was always there to make me laugh or to be a shoulder to cry on. Apart from my marriage ending,for the better, I still have had to deal with depression and anxiety, something my dad dealt with too. Yet again, my dad was the person I would run to because he understood.
I have been doing my best to try and find my way in the world and I never seem to be able to. All my friends have gotten married and had kids. I never got that far but I notice how my journey here is not as “advanced” as my peers. Im broke all the time doing work that im good at but dont enjoy and I expect more of myself. My dad said he thought I would end up doing several artsy things and I would eventually make enough to be content and get by. Now that my dads gone im not so sure.
My parents are my best friends. My Dad and I had a special bond. I got all of his good and not so good qualities. Including his gift of art. He believed in me and my art and I know I will never give that up because he gave that to me. The weight of his loss, however, leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless. I dont see how I will ever feel inspired to create art again. I feel like my life has been a blur ever since that night when I saw him, lifeless on that hospital bed. My worst nightmare came true, and I never imagined that it would. I feel so stupid, I was so naive, I must have thought he was invincable.
Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier to deal with, that it takes time. Right now I still can’t see it. I fear that I will lose my grandma when her time comes, then my mom, and then I will be alone. My sister has her family and with all my issues I dont see anyone wanting to settle down with me. The future seems too bleak today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Wish me luck…
jessiepallow 